Uh-oh. I just found out I'm not good with money. Lately, I should have plenty to spend b/c I do get allowance (yes, I still do…but it's lunch money…just lunch money you can buy more than lunch with.) and I got some money from my American grandma and my cousin for graduation…but…what happened to my wallet?! It has been emptied (besides a whole million pictures of myself and other people… yes, Californians are picture freaks) for the past week. I think back, and I found the two major causes: 1. PROM. 2. My Godbro. Prom, I should no longer worry about and should leave it behind because I would probably never attend another prom again, but my Godbro… *sigh* I spend too much money going out with my Godbro. Every time our clique goes out and has nothing to do (which is basically ALL the time), we go eat because we all love eating. I basically ate my entire "treasury" and I'm starting to eat up my collection of dimes and pennies. Not a good sign. Besides eating frequently, we eat mostly at nice restaurants because my Godbro refuses to eat at food courts or places that "aren't nice." Tsk tsk tsk. Sometimes I wish he realizes that not everybody is as "well-padded" as he is financially and we can't afford eating at Red Lobster or Black Angus every time. I don't mind eating McDonald's for dinner once in a while, and if he thinks that's cheap, that's fine. I am cheap, what's anybody going to do about it? I will continuously share meals with another person if I have to. So? I know it's not his fault that he thinks that way though. It's just different point of views and different backgrounds. I would never understand how he would talk about getting a S2000 without even wincing at the thought of the price. He would never understand why I don't have a pool in my backyard. That's okay. That's what I love about the world anyway. Everybody is different and entitled to his or her own beliefs.

I am leaving California to go somewhere else this Saturday for the whole week. Suddenly I realize how much I love California. I am already starting to miss it even though I am still here. What am I going to do when I can't get a boba tea whenever I want? What am I going to do with nobody to say Mandarin with? What am I going to do when I can't call up Fiona when I have problems? What am I going to do?! Oh no.

Mommy is yelling at me again for the 3754th time this week. I hate it when daddy is not here. I feel like I'm going to explode. If there's a time when I feel like I want to die, I think it would be right now. Parents don't think kids have pressure at all. Just because they don't see me doing homework in front of them doesn't mean I don't have anything to do. Just because I don't like what they ordered me to do doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. Sometimes I think my parents are taking me for granted (but then, I guess I take them for granted also.) Yesterday I was talking to my Godbro's mom and she asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told her no because my mom wouldn't let me have one. She looked at me with her eyes wide open and said "You're going to be that obedient and not get a boyfriend just because your mom won't let you?" That question shocked me, especially coming out from a parent's mouth. Am I being too obedient? I didn't know what to answer her. I just nervously laughed and said it's actually because nobody wants me. I rather say nobody wants me than to know that I'm too obedient to my parents to the point where I'm too chickenish to rebel. Ahh! Mom just yelled at me again! What the h*ll is she trying to do?! Push me to the corner until I scream and go into a fugue state?! Chill out! It's my d*mn problem! I can handle it myself without her yelling at me every five minutes! *sigh* Now if I can only say that out loud. Life has come into another low point for me.

I am getting really frustrated lately. For some reason, I can't seem to find a job. Sometimes I wonder why I need all these education for if I can't even find a job at the mall with all my frickin' academics. I don't see the point of studying so hard anymore… can't see my future anymore. I think I would be happier right now working full time at a photoshop or a boba place. Gosh, to imagine that I used to be so proud of myself and figured that I could get jobs easily makes me blush with embarrassment. I'll probably end up working at Telamon again for the summer, the last place I want to be.

Vincci is a competitive little b*tch and she doesn't know when to quit. Sometimes if I look at myself from another person's point of view, I would completely agree with that observation. I have a 99.9% in my government class, a class where everybody is struggling to get a good grade in, and I'm still whining to get a 100%. Gosh, I'm disgusting. I don't do it to annoy people though, I do it to challenge the teacher's system of never giving out A+s. Mr. Petersen, my gov't teacher, is so willing to put me in a trashcan right now and he wouldn't mind if anybody wants to take me out and beat the crap out of me. I don't know if he was just playing but…oh gosh…am I that bad?

My dad still scares the heck out of me. Yesterday night my prom date came over to pick up prom pictures, and my dad just stood there at the door looking at us. *chillz* May I have some privacy please? I mean, what can I possibly do with a guy at the doorway? Then I just realized… it was the first time dad ever got to see who my prom date was. *sigh* So I guess he had a reason to be there, but… is that what all Asian parents do? Make sure they know every one of their kid's friends? Talking about Asian parents, my mom still think it's cheap for a girl to hug a guy in public. Haha, I hope she never finds out how many times Kama and I have hugged in public. I would be the shame of my family tree. What's wrong with hugging friends? I would never understand Asian "unique" culture.

Wow. I haven't written in a week. Yeah, there goes my experiment for being dedicated. If Fiona knows this, she would say "dedicated my a**!" Yeah, I guess I'm never really dedicated to anything besides winning and…yeah…guys, but then I found out they're not worth being dedicated to. Anyway, this is what I've done in a week:

Job Fair
I went to a job fair last Thursday in the mall. Aiya. I don't even know why they invited teenagers to the job fair 'cuz most of the jobs needed past experience and most of them were long term, if not permanent jobs. What do they want me to do? Decline my admission to UCLA and work full time at UPS delivering packages that might be sent by the next UNA Bomber? My friend and I applied for a photo shots place at the mall though, and I hope I get the job (even though I know my chances considering I don't know jack about photography.) Oh well, I did get a nice interviewing experience though. Found out I'm not bad at bs-ing and acting nice at all :) "I may not have a as qualified resume as some other applicants, but I believe that my willingness to learn would make up for that shortcoming. I am a fast learning and I'm extremely dedicated to my work…" *hahaha* I can't believe I didn't blush when I said that.

Prom
Last Saturday, I went to my senior prom. *chillz* You know how sometimes you're scared of something but you do it anywayz? Like going on rollercoaster rides? Well, prom was it for me. I came out hating my last two dances, but I still went to my prom. What does that tell you about me? I don't know when to quit *haha* Anyway, I swear I would NEVER ever go to a Taiwanese lady for my makeup again (no, I'm not being racist…) This lady used Chanel makeup on me, but I have to wipe half of it away right afterwards. Why? I look like Mulan! She painted my face white, put bright pink lipstick on me, and gave me dramatic purplish blue eyeshadow. I felt like a cheap Chinese prostitute. Needless to say, I wiped my entire face off, but my friends refused to let me wipe off the eyeshadow because it was "oh-so-pretty." *rolls eyes* After I had my hairdo and makeup done, I actually had to go to a family gathering hosted by my dad's company…at the bowling alley. Oh gosh…imagine the horrid. Everybody was looking at me as if I was some freak (and I don't blame them.)
Prom itself wasn't so bad. All I was asking for was for it to be better than last prom, and it was. I didn't get to dance too much, but the music was good and everybody was basically enjoying himself/herself (except my date 'cuz his legs were hurting like heck.) Something happened during the dance that I rather not touch up on, but it's okay, I was prepared. A shoulder, a bathroom, and a pill and I was all set to face the world again. (haha…guess if I'm lying)

First time
Haha…yeah…this topic seems scary after the topic of "prom", huh? Nah, I am still an extremely "pure", "innocent" girl (yes, I can hear Fiona say "my a**" again.) My mom let me stay out for the whole night, so what was there to do after 12 when every store was closed? Rave! I've always wanted to do that but I never got a chance to. Everybody has a first time, right? (remember that Ada? *wink*) I take it as part of the growing experience. I was always taught by my parents that raving is really bad (they've been under the influence of the mass media), and you know what? It's not as bad as they say. I met some extremely funny people there and the whole experience was just fun. The music was nice, the laser effects was tight, and the enthusiasm of the people was just overwhelmingly high. I love that. Their dances fascinated me. So yeah, I would definitely go again if I have a chance to, but does that mean I'm a bad Christian? Ha… when did raving ever came into conflict with Christianity?

Mother's Day
Blank. I basically did not celebrate Mother's Day with my mom. Yes, I know. I am extremely ashamed of myself. I was so tired after coming back from prom and rave that I bascially slept the whole day after going to the mall to pick up pictures. I remember waking up though at exactly midnight of Sunday and said in a childish voice "Mommy…I'm hungry." I ended up giving mom her Mother's Day present 1 AM Monday morning. *sigh* I need a new alarm clock.

Wow…I haven't been touching my computer for three days. Completely amazing. Anyway, let me summarize what I've done these few days.

I went to see the Lip Sync at my school on Friday. Lip Sync is basically a competition of people imitating singers (or groups) dance and dress styles. It was pretty interesting last year so I went to see it again this year. Unfortunately, this year's was actually quite disappointing. My friends and I had front row seats, but I didn't realize the people sitting behind us were fans of this one hot Korean guy who would be performing. My eardrums are permanently damaged. For the whole night all I remember hearing was "Go ROGERRRRRRRR!!! YOU'RE SOOOOOO HOTTTTT!!!!" At the end, of course, Roger's Korean group received first place for their imitation of the group H.O.T. One of the best imitations I saw that night was actually the one of Britney Spears. I am so glad I didn't bring my crush (if I have one) along because I've noticed that every guy was drooling over Nancy. I've talked a couple of girls about Lip Sync, and in all the girls' point of view, Nancy was hot. Gosh, that's one heck of a compliment coming from girls.

Saturday I was planning to stay home and read the book I was suppose to read 2 weeks ago so I could do my 5 page critique, but my mom dragged me out of the house in the last minute. The result? Me looking like crap with absolutely no makeup on and a tank top that looks like my lingerie. I haven't gone out without makeup for the longest time because my face has been looking so terrible lately (bad breakouts from extreme stress over Calculus). I ended up walking around Puente Hills (a local mall) with my mom and bumped into my prom date. That…was embarrassing. First thing, my mom has never seen my prom date and it was just completely awkward letting them meet without mental preparation whatsoever. Second, after talking to him for 30 sec, I realized that I didn't have any makeup on. Ouch. I don't like to let guys see me without makeup on. Yes, I have quite a low self-esteem (and it has been stepped at least a million times more lately), for those who are as analytical as me who wants to analyze everybody's behavior (it's what studying psychology does to a person…scary.)

I broke my record yesterday. For the first time in my life, I only had an hour and a half of sleep yesterday night. As a result of my mom taking me out for a "family day" ("You never spend time with us anymore! We need more family involvement from you!" Oh dear God… I only see her EVERY SINGLE DAY!) , I had exactly one day to read my 300 pages book (One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest) and do my 5 page critique…and I started at 5pm. Yes, I love procrastinating.

Today I went to school and found out I matched with my best friend Fiona again. I swear, it's either she has a spy camera hidden somewhere in my bedroom or we just have telepathy. We've been matching for the past 3 or 4 Fridays without planning on it and now we're matching on Mondays too! Ah! I'm going to start buying odd color clothes or something. Neon green and orange, here I come! Out throws all my purples, blacks, and reds (my basic three colors)! Yeah, there goes my entire wardrobe.

Have you ever felt like you're not a good person? I did just yesterday night. Because of one thing I said that was none of my business, I might've ruined two people's possibly wonderful relationship, both whom I care greatly about. I have a tendency of making people unhappy. Gosh…I feel like a complete moron. How can I be such an
a-hole (btw, does that still count as cussing?) I feel like a clumsy kid who just tripped over a masterpiece and broke it.
I talked to my psychology teacher today. It's the third time this semester that I have to talk to him about my problems and stress. To me, he became my personal shrink (except that I don't have to pay $100 per hour…why pay when I can have it free?) I know people usually have the prejudice that only psychotic people with mental problems need a shrink. Not unless I am a psychotic person myself, or I would say that's totally wrong. Psychologists are so great, everybody should own one :) . Talking to my psychology teacher, Mr. Phillips (if you continue to read my blog, his name is going to appear very often because he's one of the most influential people in my life right now), makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes I don't think you feel better because they solve your problems for you, it's just because they're there to listen without criticizing what you do, whether you just told your mother off or killed the annoying neighbor next door.
Maybe I should start a prom countdown, but seriously, I'm not that nervous about it at all (besides the fact that my face hasn't completely cleared up…ugh…I hate skin.) No, I don't have any plans or anything. I don't know exactly when I'm going to get my hair done, where I'm going to get my makeup done, whether I'm going to take pictures or not, or where I'm going after prom. Well, here's my motto: procrastinate whenever possible. Suddenly, I feel sorry for my date…too bad I dragged him along into my mess…*apologetic grin*
My godbro has been grouchy lately. What's worse? I feel like he's only grouchy to me. I usually was never picked on by him, and even if he did, he would give me an apologetic smile afterwards. Lately, I don't know… feels like I did something wrong to him. What did I do that he has to have that kind of attitude towards me? Well, besides the fact that I did accidentally wake him up from his nap. Uh-oh….that's the number one thing you can't do to guys, right? Then I guess I'm doomed for life. Oh well, no matter what, I still love him unconditionally. If I don't love him, who would? *haha* Um…I was just kidding…his girlfriend, a good friend of mine, would've killed me.

This time, I am sooo serious about restarting my blog and being dedicated to what I do. When I first started this, I remember telling my friends that I am going to update it everyday. Well, guess what? I am the biggest liar I know! (Oh God, forgive me…) This time, I am determined to outlast at least a month. It's time for me to teach myself how to be dedicated to something (except guys….I'm oh-so-dedicated to guys, one of my major weaknesses.) So yeah, if I actually stop updating this for more than two days, call me up, write me an e-mail, whatever. You have the right to "peach" at me in any way, shape, or form (yeah, btw, I am trying to stop cussing again by using silly little words…peach isn't the worse one either.) MARK MY WORDS.

Lately I am trying to take everything slow and think on the positive side. Recently, I found out that "taking everything slow" is just a euphemism for "procrastinating." I should be studying for my AP Calculus test right now, but what am I doing instead? Teaching myself to be dedicated! Yeah, people always have a self-justification for everything. I can almost hear myself whine: "But I am doing something productive… and it's better for my mental health than knowing integrals and solving the volume of two lines rotating at line Y=7…" I've almost mastered my skills at self-justification (the euphemism of "bs-ing")

I found out a lot of opinions about me yesterday, which gives me a new insight about myself, good or bad. *sigh* Aren't we all glad we have friends? I was talking to a guy friend and he said "Vincci, you flirt too much. Sometimes to the point where it's obvious that you flirt." Oops. I…do? New concept. *haha* I didn't know I do it to the obvious point though, which is bad. I am starting to be confused on my identity. Another friend said, "Vincci…you're just frickin' innocent." What? Okay, so maybe I can be innocent AND still flirt, but…I don't know…that isn't quite right. Lately I love that little redheaded librarian from Tomcats. "You've been a bad boy, haven't you?" No, not necessarily what she does (that still gives me chills…especially when she says something is missing… *cold chills up my spine* ) , just what she stands for. Some girls only look and act innocent when you first know them… Oh no, I'm not insinuating anything.

I got to see one of my old (well, not that old…we haven't seen each other for a few months) friends today. I just realize how much I still love her. :) (oh no, not that way…) Three of us just went crazy and took gazillion pictures…which I don't look too well in. But oh well, like I ever looked at least decent in pictures. We found out that the picture cards we took for 5 bucks actually look better than the ones we used 25 bucks on. Yeah, sometimes cheaper is better. Btw, for the first time in my life, I actually showed my teeth when I smile for a picture!! Yay for me. (sorry, to me that's a major accomplishment.) I never knew how to smile right, so I never smiled in front of the camera. Now I'm going to try to smile on every single picture.

I think I am learning to cope with things better and better everyday because so many crap have gone on in the past few months. College acceptance letters, financial aid, AP testing…and…other things…I mean, I get upset and pissed…and sorry to my friends, but I bug them about my problems…but I get over it. ~ Now I'm stronger than yesterday…now ain't nothing but my way ~ Sorry, I'm in a singing mood. Well, okay, that was for teeny boppers…I have another one… ~ I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up…I will survive, keep on surviving ~ And if you're into rock/rap… ~ This time I'm gonna let it all come out… this time I'm gonna stand up and shout… I'm gonna do things my way, it's my way, my way or the highway ~ Man…I love songs like these *completely satisfied* They warm up my soul. Yeah, music is my outlet. I should be on one of those commercials. "I don't smoke because…I sing. Music is my outlet." *haha* Okay, that sounded cheap.

Talking about songs…this is my favorite lyrics these couple months… ~ got a nice package alright, guess I'm gonna have to ride it tonight ~ Ahh…I so need to go karaoke right now…get in touch with my amazingly "fobbish" side (I really hate this term).

Gosh…are you still reading this? You must be bored huh? Anyway, look at the length of this blog! I think I've done my job for being "dedicated".